First, we are still in the race. While we were very encouraged to hear that the tumor has been reduced after three months of therapy, the team has decided to keep up the full regimen for the full 6 months. Basically, don’t take your foot off the throttle if it’s working. The downside is that I never get quite a chance to fully recover, so the fatigue and side effects are somewhat cumulative. Each time is taking a little more time to bounce back, a little longer in the fog. But the reality is this is a marathon, and I am in it to win it, so by God’s grace, I’ll keep running. The new milestone is February 6 – A full six months of therapy. Then a new CT Scan and likely a liver resection surgery.
I am thankful for cancer. I have been dancing around that statement for sometime, but I think I can finally state it honestly.
It’s going to take some explanation, right? How can I possibly be grateful a life-threatening illness whose treatment is taking poison just enough to kill the cancer but not quite kill you? What about the fear it’s introduced to my wife, my kids, and myself? Being confronted with Cancer with a capital C means you are going to have to face your world in a hard way.
Some foundations were tested and revealed to be sure. My faith in God as a Christian gave me real strength and perspective. More on that in a moment. My wife was a real blessing: Karly expressed her love for me in real ways for my mental, emotional and spiritual health, and it has allowed our relationship to grow into new, more open ways. My children have all grown in ways that has given them a more mature perspective as they have processed our family situation. No one is perfect, and we have all had our moments of frustration. But we are doing this together.
I am grateful because the cancer has made me more vulnerable. I am less self-reliant and more dependent on God, my family, my church and my friends. It’s healthier to be more interdependent in a community. Some of the old American ideas of self-reliance go too far into isolation and alienation. Yes, we should be responsible and capable adults able to take care of our basic needs, but we should also be humbly open to share experiences and burdens. It’s the model of the most ancient church, and the best still for thriving modern faith communities.
One other complex idea that I have been meditating on is that this cancer is actually a gift and challenge from God. I have never bought into the prosperity gospel messages. God is not a shallow gift-giver only looking to give material Gifts. He is not Santa Clause. The Scriptures reveal a far more compelling, meaningful, and real perspective. God allows hard and harrowing events to happen to his faithful people all the time. From the fates of the disciples (None of whom ended healthy or wealthy) to the martyrs of the early church, it’s clear that God has a purpose in working through suffering. It builds faith, reveals character, validates sincerity, instills compassion, and nurtures empathy.
Thanksgiving was a time of deeper gratitude than I have known for many years. It was richer because of the circumstances. And Christmas has always been about hope fulfilled. So I find myself standing between those grand ideals, not with a shallow faith, but reaching into something more robust and enduring. Through the gates of thanksgiving, I can embrace the reality of hope that Christmas offers.
So Merry Blessed Christmas!