Notes
- Cancer has returned in multiple locations
- Returning to Chemo and Immuno
- Multiple locations bad, small size good
- Fear is a chain to be broken: It won’t rust
Many Roads
…Were meant to bring me here all along
Could it be that the many roads
I took to get here
Were just for you to tell that story
And for me to hear that song
And my many hopes
And my many fears
Were meant to bring me here all along
~ Andrew Peterson “Many Roads”
After a season of remission, I am humbled to announce that my cancer has returned. With no symptoms, I went in for my quarterly scan in January hopeful that it would be clear. Unfortunately, that was not the case. The CT detected “areas of concern” in several spots. We followed up with a PET scan which revealed in more detail that the cancer had returned to multiple locations. It was hard news after several months of feeling confident that we had removed all visible signs of cancer.
So today, I am back in the chair with an IV in my port, looking for the snack cart. We are picking up with the same treatment that was previously so effective: two types of chemotherapy as well as immunotherapy. I am honestly looking forward to tackling this again -It means I am fighting back. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not especially fun, but it was effective before, so I just want to kill some cancer cells. Beyond the immediate treatment, I will be looking for a biopsy again sometime in the next couple weeks – we want to see if it’s the same type of cancer, or if its profile has changed and we need to adapt treatments. I am also going to get connected with a research group to get on the radar for any potentially relevant medical trials.
There are a few good hooks to hang hope on: While we have multiple locations to worry about, it’s relatively early detection. All the areas are currently small – measured in millimeters, not centimeters. I am pretty healthy, working and exercising, holding my weight, and don’t really feel symptoms yet. We have a treatment that we know was effective previously. These are all good, real, and hopeful indictors.
But I have no illusions: This is going to be hard. We have stepped into a new level. The next three months will be critical.
I will be posting more often again. So many people have prayed, sent supportive messages, and contributed to our family in so many meaningful ways. Thank you. I could not have made it this far without the love and support of family and friends. Please continue to pray for our family. I don’t get to do cancer on my own – I am forced to drag my wife and kids on this journey that we didn’t choose. But there is real blessing in a cancer diagnosis: It reveals the hidden love of your community, your family, and your church.
I am not angry at God. I was expecting to feel that, but it hasn’t shown up yet. I am sure it will. I have been sad and framed it with lament. I have been afraid and expressed that to God in my prayers. I am more broken when I look at my wife and children. I am going to wrestle with that.
I have experienced many sovereignly timed occurrences over the past year and a half, many more than I have catalogued here. A couple weeks ago, I was contemplating a lesson, and I had a reoccurring thought that has stuck with me: Chains of fear don’t rust. They must be broken, the links struck and worked loose, bent and cracked until they each fall away using the tools of faith, hope and love. It’s hard, thoughtful and spiritual labor.
Please pray for me. Pray for my family, my wife and my children. Pray that the many roads to this moment result in a healing of body, mind, heart and soul, and that we find our good story to tell, and a song to sing. God is good – Even when He says no or not yet. I am just trying to step up, kneel down, and honor God as I ask for my daily bread each day.