paths
Winter Paths
“There is no real going back. Though I may come to the Shire, it will not seem the same; for I shall not be the same (…) Where shall I find rest?” Gandalf did not answer.
Sometimes there are just no immediate answers. Life does not always happen on your schedule. It’s hard to give a clear update when the results are far from clear.
While I had CT scan two weeks ago, I still don’t have clarity on the results. Scan results are usually run to be compared with the last results to see what has changed. Unfortunately, the comparison of my last results was done with scans from 6 months to a year ago, resulting in some conclusions that don’t compare well. So we are waiting on a new comparison and re-read between the scan from December 4th and January 26th.
We have done some ‘back of the napkin’ comparisons, and the results look like a mixed bag: One lung tumor shrunk, one stayed the same. Which is good. But one small liver tumor may have increased, and we don’t have real clarity on what is happing with the metastases on my rib and hip. Maybe we will get some more clarity this week – or maybe the conclusions will still have the shadows of ambiguity. In the meantime, we are continuing to move forward with the treatment plan with the clinical trial of CUSP06.
I am in treatment every three weeks and have had a ton of lab tests for the first three treatment cycles. Now that we are past the first 3 treatments, most of the lab requirements are going away, and the next time I get treatment later this month, I don’t have any extra labs to do. This is a big relief to not have to drive up to Nashville for just a blood draw (2 hours there, 2 hours waiting for results, 2 hours back) once or twice a week.
The treatment has been challenging – lots of nausea and fatigue that is lingering for a week or more. While this is a novel drug that has a complex chemical delivery system, it’s still a chemo-adjacent drug with chemo-like effects. It can be challenging, especially in the immediate days after treatment.
I am well into 3 years on this cancer journey. It’s hard. It’s hard on Karly. It’s hard on my kids. Brenden has been living with this shadow over his dad for years, and it’s still not normal, and still scarry.
Yet there remain moments of simple charm and delight. When I hear the kids laughing and vigorously debating a movie or song. When we have an open discussion and I feel that I can offer a small measure of encouragement. When I curl up next to Karly at night.
I still do not know where the whole thing is going – no one really does. But I try to find the living bread for each day. And a little hope for tomorrow.
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. – Psalm 27:14