Room in my Heart for Ella

Room in my Heart for Ella

In 2008, Ella was born, and I was 37.  She arrived in the California spring and lit up our little family and hasn’t stopped since.

In the weeks before her arrival, I spoke with a friend in our small group who was a father of two children about his experience of becoming a parent.  He said it was like opening a new room in your heart, one that you never knew was there, only to discover a new capacity for love, wonder and worry. I found his words framed the mental, emotional and spiritual experience when I held Ella for the first time.

Ella is now 18, and a page is turning.  I am actually kind of a mess about it.  I know there is nothing magical about the days between today and tomorrow, but you can’t deny that when you reach a milestone, something has changed.  Just as she has recorded all the measured steps of childhood to young adulthood, so I have walked the steps as a father alongside her. Now we both gradually change the course of our relationship.

Ella is a fierce, fun, bright, bundle of energy, and I love her with all my heart. When she was little and just walking, Karly would be working at the bookstore in the evening, and I would take her to the Americana Mall and watch her clap and smile at the dancing water fountains.  Her shining blond curls, blue eyes, and quick smile charmed everyone.  Then I would take her home to put her to bed and she would cry; sometimes for hours.

As she grew, her personality emerged as a sweet, vocal, stubborn, kind, compassionate child.  She seemed to have boundless energy and creativity, filled with imagination.  When she loved a topic, she dove in with both feet and learned everything about it. Everything.  Many believe I inspired Ella to get into Star Wars, but she actually did so on her own and soon became knowledgeable about both the story and its behind-the-scenes details.  When she started writing, it was with a creative discipline that far exceeded my own at her young age, and I was very proud of what she could do.

Ella acknowledges that growing up comes with challenges, but her outgoing nature has helped her encourage others as she works through her own struggles.  Her vulnerability and courage is another commendable trait about her I hold close to my heart.

No father is perfect either.  I have regrets I can’t let go of without the gentle embrace of divine grace.  I could have spent more time, given more wisdom, soothed the hurts of life better.  I could have use my words and actions to better lift, strengthen, heal, prepare, guide and empower her.  I am still going to try and do those things for as long as God give me.

But perhaps the most comforting thing I see is her foundation of earnest and curious faith in God.  Ella is sincere in both her foundational beliefs, and well as the questions that come with a complex and nuanced world view.  Ella has convictions, and they are centered strong ideas of goodness and justice.

As I linger in that space in my heart, I find it is furnished with a great number of wonderful memories of Ella.  Manuscripts on a table; swim goggles hanging on a hook; sweet coffee drinks; colorful outfits for an 8-year-old. Jars of tears and flasks of laughter. There are a thousand other things: some scattered about and others displayed with care.  Yet for all the treasures, the room is not full.  Not by a long shot.

Happy Birthday, my dear Isabella. Looking forward to adding new treasures to my heart.